Friends

**I wrote the below on April 7th, 2009. Josh had broken up with me a week earlier. I didn't post at the time because it was too new and I needed to get Ben and I back on our feet before we could try to start making steps forward. We have been working on stabilizing our lives for the past two months and we get stronger every day. Thank you to all who have helped hold us up, when I wasn't sure I could do it alone. Some are mentioned below, but there are many many more who have been there along the way.**

I think I have officially cried for seven days straight. At first, I panicked. How on earth would I do this? My good friend was on the phone with me that night, willing to book me a ticket home on her credit card! Get out of there she said! I contemplated. If I fly, how much stuff can I actually take? I can survive with a pair of jeans and two shirts for a few weeks, but Ben can't. All I could think about was, he needs his play gym. So, I turned to my best friend Google Maps and started figuring out exactly how far Cincinnati was from the people who loved me. At about 2am, I decided, DC here we come. I called my college roommate Caitlin at 645a the next morning and asked if she wanted two new house guests as of that night. It was then that I realized, you have friends to hold you up when you do think you can. Through my tears, I started to gain strength from her. I got up, knocked on the bathroom door and asked Josh if he would stay home for a bit and help me pack the car. He was kind enough to do that much for me and by 945a every worldly possession Ben and I had in Cincinnati was packed into the car. We were about to begin the longest car ride of our lives. I called as many people as I could on the 9+ hour long ride. I sobbed though Ohio and into West Virgina. I sobbed as we left West Virgina and went into Pennsylvania. I managed to take a break and curse the Steelers when we hit Pittsburgh but was back to sobbing when we had to go through West Virgina again. I'm still unclear on the geography but I think going through West Virgina twice in one drive shouldn't be legal. From there we were in Maryland and finally DC.

Caitlin took us into her studio apartment and just loved us. She woke up early with Ben and snuggled him in her bed to try and let me sleep. She gave him as many bottles and changed his diaper as often as she could. She played with him and made him laugh while I sat on her bathroom floor and sobbed. And she listened to me for the endless hours of trying to work through what had just happened.

My other college roommate Katie also lives in DC and she invited us over to celebrate her birthday with her. Again, you find out who your friends are when they open their arms up to you knowing that you will pretty much sit and cry through blowing out their birthday candles.

My college friend Beth fit us in the next night for dinner and got to meet Ben for the first time. Beth had never held a baby before yet kept a smile on her face as I plopped him on her lap. She even let me take a picture!

My mom flew down to DC a few days later and did the 9 hour drive back up to Boston with me. She has taken Ben and I into her home and made room for us. We both have our own room...Ben sleeps in his pack'n'play downstairs in the office and I stay in the guest room. We will be starting fresh in the location for Ben in his short, 8 month life (I don't count his fist stint in Boston since he never technically went outside). Hopefully I will find another job that I love, although I know it may take some time as my old company has gone through multiple rounds of layoffs thus there is no longer a spot for me there. And with a job will come logistics of being a single parent such as juggling daycare and the lack of a built in baby sitter. Also with a job though will come our own apartment and space again. We are unfortunately still tied into a lease in Jersey City through June and without a paycheck, I simply can't afford to pay 2 rents at once so we will be with my mom for a while. The highlight of all of this though, is the love that lays in Boston for Ben. Between my dear friends, and my mothers friends, Ben has not been surrounded by this amount of love since he was born and that brings me some peace.